Saturday, March 17, 2012

Meet the New Boss

From Friday, March 16th

I have felt tired & exhausted & tired for a week. I've been blaming Daylight Savings Time, possibly the way an abused wife blames door frames and stairs. I do take it as a minor victory that my brain no longer looks at the clock and reacts as if someone replaced the digits with obscene gestures. Maybe the colon between the hours and minutes was a stick person angrily giving it to another stick person. Neither of them really enjoyed it.

The weather here hasn't helped; it's going through some sort of crisis too. Last night we had a cocktease of a thunderstorm that just blew wind everywhere and finally sprinkled after I had fallen asleep, like an emo kid who waits to cry until he's in his room with the door shut. It's warm now, and sunny in the vague, meaningless way that accompanies haze and cloud cover.

Pick something, you prick.

And food? All I want to eat are cookies & cupcakes & ice cream until my insides hurt like I've got that kind of flu. But I don't. I'm too apathetic to even shovel junk food into my face until the feelings start again. 

Yesterday I turned down seven separate offers of dessert, until finally someone gave me a cookie to carry around. They knew I wasn't going to eat it. I knew I wasn't going to eat it. All the same, I had a little chocolate chip passenger for the rest of the afternoon because even relative strangers look at me and say, "Damn boy. Take this shit."

This will pass, just like all the other times before it have passed. Right now, though? It's terrible. On a scale of 1 - 10, I'd rate it as a "throbbing hollowness."

(depression why you always gotta feel new)


  1. Start from when you first got facebook and go though everything from the begining of the time line, that usualy helps me when i'm feeling that horrible numb emptyness and I just want it to go away for a bit. Btw, i've been reading your blog for years now (ever since those epic mine craft posts) and your an amazing writer, keep up the good work.

    1. Thank you for your encouragement! I'm starting to feel better. This weekend helped a lot.

      My experiences with depression are roughly analogous to malevolent weather. No matter what I'm doing well or poorly, depression (or a tornado, or a freak hailstorm) could sweep down on top of me, even in the midst of a sunny day or otherwise happy life circumstances.

      I usually keep to myself, try to do the next thing, and it passes; this time, however, the days kept coming. I decided to share. Your kind words make me feel good about that choice!