Thursday, January 20, 2011

Skyline: A Review

Skyline is a movie about a group of people you don't like endlessly making the same bad decisions with the same predictable results; it's a lot like going out to dinner with your family.

"I wish everyone but me would die," she thinks.

In this film, a group of "cool" twentysomethings alternate between hiding from the aliens, running outside with the aliens, and standing on the roof of their building so all the aliens can see them. Each time this cycle is completed, more people die from horrible, horrible alien vaginas.

I am not kidding about that last part; these aliens are from the planet Vagoo, and have developed vaginas in their heads, hands, and bottoms, all to swallow men whole. Each type of alien is a glistening, outer space man trap.

My theory is that one of Skyline's writers got drunk, picked up a chick at the bar, and woke up next to one of those metal squids from the Matrix. Or, whoever designed the aliens from this movie dropped some LSD and stared at Georgia O'Keefe paintings for hours. Even H.R. Giger thinks the aliens from this film are too suggestive.

"These guys have issues." - H.R. Giger

The protagonist - which is what I'll call him because I can't remember his bland name, and "hero" certainly doesn't fit - is a cool graphics designer from Chicago, or New York, or somewhere where graffiti is a viable career choice. He's taking his cool dead-eyed girlfriend with inflatable lips to Los Angeles, so they can visit his cool friend who made it big in the...CGI industry?

Is that a thing? I know someone has to make all the pretend aliens that Will Smith fights, but do you really get a sports car and a bitchy blond bikini girlfriend when you do?

Wait, looks like the movie was written by the Brothers Strause who have done just that. If that works, I'm writing a movie about an awesome librarian who gets a hot girlfriend and fights evil around the world by using his extensive knowledge of random trivia!

Later, the cool kids have a pool party whose sole purpose is to inform us that Turk from Scrubs is banging his hot assistant (True to life, eh Brothers Strause?) and inflatable lips girlfriend is pregnant. This latter revelation drives the rest of the movie, serving as our emotional tie to these characters. However, the characters are about as interesting as a Metamucil commercial, so it doesn't work.

Thank God the aliens show up, in all their vagina bearing glory. The central conceit is that the aliens are capable of projecting a blue light that pulls a Siren's call on anyone who looks at it. The light either atomizes or paralyzes you, depending on what the writers aliens want it to do.

Right now it wants $7.50 to leave your bank account.

Random movie producer guy is the first to go, followed by Turk, followed know what?

Fuck it.

We've all seen this movie - or at least movies so much better they appear as Platonic ideals compared to this one - and we know where it's going. Eventually everyone dies from stupidity except the protagonist and the love interest.  They survive, not because they weren't monumentally stupid, but because they're the butt monkeys the script is hitched to.

The protagonist has gained some body horror superpowers by repeatedly being exposed to the blue light, which is like getting superpowers because your mom did shots of paint thinner while pregnant and you somehow made it through. He goes all Mel Gibson in The Patriot on Flying Ladyparts Scout #43bee56, and I wish I could reach through the screen and do the same to him.

or, as Mel Gibson calls it, Tuesday

The movie succeeds in one area, and that's the one I'm about to ruin for you. Think of it like having surgery; it sure does hurt when Mr. Doctor cuts that weird mole off, but it's better than going through the rest of life with it growing a face. (That's what happens, right?)

Some films are so good at creating tension that it remains even when you watch the movie again. I've seen Back to the Future over and over again, but each time I'm convinced I've gotten a never-before-seen cut of the movie where the Delorean doesn't start at the end.

Skyline, creates a lot of a tension, which it resolves in a simple way: the writers don't save the characters. Protagonist McGee gets his brain ripped out, and Inflatalips Babycarriage is sucked into the moist jaws of an alien octopus robot.

"Don't look up." Mainly because that's where the screen is.

Aboard one of the motherships, we see the aliens wipe the brains and insert them into new bodies, with the implication that it was repurposed human brains hunting down their former peers. It's a downer ending with a sickening twist!

Well done, Skyline! If you didn't succeed as a heroic film about worthwhile characters battling extraterrestrial oppression, at least you gave us a bunch of unlikeable dickholes getting backwards prison raped into being on the aliens' side.

...but then comes the coda, in which the film goes from being grimdark to a Saturday morning cartoon. Apparently - and I say this knowing the only people this is apparent to are the paint huffers that made this film - Protagonist McGee was rendered immune to the alien's mindwipe by virtue of being in TRUE LURV.

pictured - protection from psionic assault

He then uses his new CGI alien meatsuit to rescue Inflatalips, and has a series of one-panel adventures fighting more different aliens to generic action music. No, really.


In conclusion, Skyline was a film with an interesting premise and a sweet twist ruined by unsympathetic characters and an ending that came five minutes too late. If you must watch it, watch it drunk; the drunker the better.

this drunk


  1. I love tall buildings! This sounds like an good a movie. Can I borrow it?

  2. You do love tall buildings, and, additionally, lady parts - it's the perfect movie for you!

  3. This was one of my favorite movies! Mostly because I love to drink until I fall down and go blind!

  4. i came here for the picture of the soldier kissing his g/f adn found this!!! flying vaginas lol!!