As an Earth human, it's time for me to hijack the changing of a digit to buoy my incredibly weak willpower and lie to myself. Like so:
This year, this year, things will be different! 2011 will be a banner year for me, and all because it's one number different from 2010! You know, the year I'm already looking at like it was a bad one night stand, quite possibly a dude.Here are my New Year's resolutions, because lying is so much easier in list form.
(Fun game: Can you spot the real resolution amongst all the fakes?)
1.) Stop drawing my number sevens like little guns.
2.) Stop drawing a tiny caricature of myself under the seven guns.
3.) Save money by buying the $2 scratch-offs instead of the $5 ones.
4.) Use extra money to visit scenic Cleveland and finally finish "Cities of Ohio" diorama.
5.) Discover my family's history, hide all war crimes.
6.) No more rentboy gigs unless the money is decent.
7.) Spend more time with the three f's: family, friends, fantastic strip clubs.
8.) Stop answering yes or no questions with "Lady Gaga."
9.) Invent Five Loko.
10.) Replace bad habits with arrogance towards those who still have bad habits.
11.) Volunteer at suicide prevention hotline, play inspirational Van Halen song.
12.) Patio furniture is not for molesting.
13.) Patio furniture is NOT for molesting.
14.) Cross "make a bucket list" off my bucket list.
15.) Start program for inner city kids, "Lunches not Punches".
16.) Improve marriage to Rita Handowski.
17.) Pursue dream of whittling all the presidents.
18.) Finish what I st
19.) Find an effective ADD medica
20.) Stop using the same joke over and over again.
21.) Stop silently judging people who pronounce the "t" in "often".
22.) Organize my closeted homosexual friends.
23.) Cease my "pelvic thrusts instead of high fives" initiative.
24.) Rescue Princess Leia from the Galactic Empire.
25.) Create firm boundaries between fiction and reality.
26.) Become morally perfect, the Benjamin Franklin way!
27.) Recycle more - let others use my sex slaves once they're broken in.
28.) Stop collecting Seth Green's old q-tips, using them to make "Seth Green-tip".
29.) No more hilariously named illegitimate children.
30.) Earn nickname "The Cockpunch Kid."
31.) Less pillaging, more looting.
32.) The blood of my conquered foes is a "sometimes" food.
33.) Start gardening. Plants are like friends that can't testify against you.
34.) Know when to hold 'em.
35.) Know when to fold 'em.
36.) Stop trying to mail snapping turtles to my ex-girlfriends.
37.) Drink only on days of the week with "s" in them.
38.) Maybe eat some rice or something. I don't know.