Sunday, January 15, 2012


We did secret Santa at work with a $10 limit. This guy in accounting knew I liked computer games, so he got me Skyroam. I guess it's like the Chinese knock off Skyrim.

You play a barbarian whose village was eaten by a dragon while you were being born and so you have dragon attacks. However, in order to replenish your attacks you have to wait for a dragon to fly overhead and have it pee on you, or at least I guess it's pee. It could be vomit. The dragon model isn't that great. Yellow-green liquid shoots out from somewhere on the bottom of the dragon between the head and the tail, and it makes this noise like it's uncomfortable with the whole thing.

The game is immersive, kinda. The villagers talk to each other a bunch, but all they talk about is something called panji fruit and how they love it. If you say you hate it, they all attack you. Since you can't target the children, they'll eventually kill you no matter what level you are. All the stuff in the shops is really expensive. I haven't earned enough money to be able to buy anything yet, so my guy runs around mostly naked, except for the axe I spawned with.

Like I said earlier, the graphics are pretty terrible. I've seen better texture packs for Minecraft. Remember the people in Morrowind, how they all looked like Morlocks or something? This is worse. The one exception is the hair for the female characters. That stuff is fabulous, like honey and silk and sunshine. There must be a Pantene potion somewhere.

Gameplay is pretty repetitive. It's like the same monster a thousand times, just different colors. FF1, basically. I use the same combo on them over and over again - I slash them with my axe, then I push them forward, then I vomit (or pee, I guess) a rainbow at them and they explode. That's a dragon power I have.

Enemies drop a lot of varied items, but I can't equip more than half of the stuff. I honestly can't tell if it's equipment or reagents for potions or monster parts or some combination of all three. Right now I'm wearing something on my head that's either a helmet or a gnoll testicle.

I guess it's a pretty good game for ten bucks.


  1. It seems a little choppy; it doesn't flow as well as some of your other works. Also, the second and third paragraphs are a bit difficult to follow.

  2. That was intentional, believe it or not! I was trying to convey a "man on the street" vernacular in my faux video game review, while still retaining some of my voice.

    (I was able to keep a straight face while writing "my voice." That's a good sign, I think.)