Thursday, December 16, 2010

Irrational Fears

There are a lot of fears I have that don't make any sense, that I've nevertheless struggled with since childhood. I mean, I made up a bunch of hilarious, improbable fears that I totally don't have. Ha ha, what'd I say? Let's pretend I said something else.

(Honestly, the truth is somewhere in the middle.)

Here's the list. If anyone else suffers from one of these, please let me know. Together we can get help, or make a suicide pact because life is so hard and some days I just want to be okay.

When I'm the first one in the morning to use the bathroom at the office, there will be a dead body in the stall.

Every new jar of peanut butter will be full of a thousand angry bees.

I go to kiss a girl, her mouth is full of centipedes.

Cat learns to talk, first thing he says: "I poop in your mouth while you sleep."

Qdoba replaced by haggis themed restaurant called The Gilded Enchantress.

Find out "love" as I know it is a product of the Coca-Cola corporation.

Toilets quietly gain sentience, giant barbed tentacles; want revenge.

Phones also gain sentience, have creepy fetish about being rubbed against ears.

Go to hospital for emergency surgery, nurse confuses "syringe" and "catheter".

Dalai Lama announces Justin Bieber is a reincarnated Kurt Cobain.

Parents tell me I was adopted, birth family history has high risk for SPN (spontaneous penile necrosis).

Dairy industry announces every bottle of chocolate milk since 1984 contains trace amounts of whale semen.

Wake up to find the internet is down, ask my roommate about it. Internet? What's that?

Get up to pee in the middle of the night, blood comes out instead. Wait, no, it's raspberry jam.
Captain Planet punches me in the crotch for not recycling.

I trip while walking down stairs and never stop falling.

Wake up in a world where Ghostbusters was never made. Ghosts run amuk.

Ex-girlfriends and unrequited crushes get together to talk about my worst hair days, with pictures.


  1. "Toilets quietly gain sentience, giant barbed tentacles; want revenge."
    This has been my fear since I was 3 years old. I trained my self to use the bathroom in under a minute, because it takes that long for the monster to know you are there. Even now, in my house my husband and roomates always let me pee first, becuase I'm the faster peeir(?) they have ever known...

  2. Are the "peeir" some some of Idian sect with a urine fetish?

    More importantly - I'm with you James...rasbeery sounds way creepier (and more painful) than simply peeing blood.

  3. Ah yes, the Peeir people of the Idian peninsula, past the Dreaming Sea. Do you perform the sixty second toilet Ghost Dance?