Windows 8 stole my bike

Windows 8 is awful.

It is the single worst experience I've ever had with a non-broken computer. Nothing about it is good. Everything about it is bad.

It causes birth defects at 15 feet. It eats kittens and gets you pulled over by the cops. It pushed an old woman into the street in front of another old woman driving, sending her into the other lane to crash head on into a bus filled with, you guessed it, more old women. It is worse than gritty single ply toilet paper. It's like drinking asparagus urine. Windows 8 is the operating system equivalent of a bot fly.

It causes erectile dysfunction in men and hairy breasts in women. It rots your teeth. If Chairman Mao got Courtney Love pregnant in a lead paint factory insulated with asbestos and they aborted the fetus, Windows 8 would still be worse than that stillborn monster. It assassinated Kennedy (both of them), was the true Zodiac Killer, and is responsible for 83% of missing children.

It eats babies. Windows 8 rapes women, demeans them for the duration of their forced pregnancy, refuses pain medicine on their behalf during labor, and then eats that baby too. It hunts animals into extinction for fun. It litters. It litters in cemeteries. It litters in cemeteries for veterans. Windows 8 invented bedbugs. Windows 8 cannot stop inventing bedbugs.

It tells you about the surprise party your friends have been planning for months. It gives you worse diarrhea than Mexican tap water. When offered food if they would use Windows 8, third world children said, "No thanks, I'll go see if I can hunt up some beetles instead." It's like being gang raped by a pack of wild dogs if the dogs themselves were being raped at the same time by water buffalo.

It's a fart sandwich with a side of used tampon cole slaw. It’s powered by the ghosts of abandoned children who died of exposure. If you've ever woken up to find a bruise or cut you don't remember receiving, that was Windows 8. It slept with your wife. Don't have a wife? Windows 8 will find you one, pay for the wedding, then have a three-way with your new bride and your mom.

It's the number one reason alcoholics relapse. Prolonged usage results in a distended anus. Windows 8 is waiting under your bed right now. Every cancer cell has a little label on it that says "Running on Windows 8!" It's the preferred operating system of kidnappers, pedophiles, and people that don't silence their cell phones at the movies. Every time you use it the devil is invited into your home. In fact, its original tagline was, "Like a welcome mat for Satan!"

It is a member in good standing of Westboro Baptist Church. It periodically changes your background to naked pictures of your grandmother. It slowly replaces all your pictures with naked pictures of your grandmother. Windows 8 is your naked grandmother.

It puts expired milk back in the fridge. Windows 8 sells drugs to children in poor neighborhoods. It invented overdraft fees. It makes vending machines not accept 3 out of every 20 quarters. It gives you an instant hangover. It caused the recession and shot Bambi’s mother.

It wrote Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, Star Wars: Episode I, and Star Trek; Nemesis. It cancelled Arrested Development and Firefly. Superman’s weaknesses are Kryptonite, magic, and Windows 8. It’s currently developing movies based on Connect Four, Sorry!, and the feeling you got when school was out for the summer.

It cuts baby powder with cocaine, turning your infant into a junkie. If you try to register Windows 8 with an African or Hispanic name it changes it to John Wayne America. It’s why ice cream doesn’t taste as good as it did when you were a kid. Every Windows 8 disc is made from distilled orphan tears and packaged in the skin of widows.

It’s why you have to wait five minutes at a red light in the middle of nowhere with no cars coming. It's going to need you to come in on Sunday. Windows 8 crashed the Hindenburg, the Titanic, and Amelia Earhart's plane. It causes toothaches, hang nails, and papercuts. It offers you a choice between centipedes or maggots and then fills your mouth with both. Windows 8 drove the car that killed your childhood pet.

It punches nuns, strangles rabbis, and kicks imams in the crotch. It told parents vaccination causes autism, but this is a lie - Windows 8 is the true cause of autism. It raises the price of gas. It was the reason you got fired from your last job, broke up with your soul mate, and had that car accident. Windows 8 occasionally sober drives.

It never flushes, it farts in elevators and poops in the shower. It left a used Band-Aid in the lunch meat. It replaced all the lunch meat with used Band-Aids. For every thousand dollars in profit Windows 8 makes it ruins one well in Africa. It leaves HIV infected needles in the coin slots of vending machines. It steals the kidneys of drifters, murders teenagers with a hook hand, and calls from inside the house.

If you want a picture of using Windows 8, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever. Windows 8 meant to learn about computers someday but got distracted by a shiny pebble.

I don’t like Windows 8 very much.