LinkedIn

I started a LinkedIn profile and then totally ignored it, which probably wasn't the best move. However, it means I occasionally get unintentionally hilarious emails that look like this:

"Alexis Lastname has indicated you are a Friend"

Where friend is capitalized, like they're a future assassin robot and that's a category they place people in so they don't shove a blender through their faces at inopportune moments.

or

"WHY MIGHT CONNECTING WITH ALEXIS LASTNAME BE A GOOD IDEA?"

Which sounds like how a robot that can't control the volume of its voice but is trying to be polite would suggest two people go on a date.

and

"After accepting Alexis Lastname's invitation, check Alexis Lastname's connections to see who else you may know and who you might want an introduction to."

What's missing is obviously a link to a FAQ with entries like, "How might other humans be used to my advantage?" and "How quickly can I discard someone to get to someone more important?"

All in all, invitations from LinkedIn sound like the kid in the back of class who learned to interact with other humans based on a book that paired faces with what emotion they were expressing, or one that explicitly explained social scripting.

if Facebook is Zach Morris, LinkedIn is Dexter Morgan

So if I don't become your friend on LinkedIn, I ain't mad at cha. I just thought I was going to be a Professional! [tm] and then lost interest, most likely because of something shiny.