The Big Day

It all started about eight months ago today, and none of the guys had let me hear the end of it. The day they found out, there was all that hooting and hollering, all the talk of "she'll be the death of you" and "count your days". The usual, I guess. There was a flurry of planning, but I was left out of most of it; us guys, we just have to smile and nod when they hand us our marching orders.

On the day itself, things were quiet. I was nervous, a little scared, but that's about what I expected.

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Batman: 06 The Underdwellers

Batman is a DC Comics character, and Batman: The Animated Series is owned by Warner Home Video. If you'd like to purchase this episode, you may do so here; if you'd like to buy the DVD box set, you may do so here. The story is by Tom Ruegger; the teleplay is by Jules Dennis and Richard Mueller; and the episode was directed by Frank Paur.

Big brass instruments give us a skittering score, like shapes sneaking up behind you when you're not looking. Light is sliced into single servings by a sewer grate, and a cloaked figure hurries into the dark.

Ah, fair Gotham, where two towheaded children are driven to playing chicken on the roof of a train for amusement. Do they not have arcades? Batman lands behind them, shaking his head – he's a guy who beats up lunatics in their pajamas, and even he thinks this is stupid.

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Pet Peeves

The two men stood talking, one of them casually leaning against the door frame. His right hand was in his pocket, elbow akimbo; his left hand held coffee in a generic cup, both the stylized cardboard label and the genuine article steaming away. Both men laughed - no, guffawed - and I heard a fragment of dialogue, "...I don't know what they think they're doing..."

Inside the dark corners of my mind, nails began a slow, inexorable trip down a moss green chalkboard. A shiver shot up my spine. I took my keys out of my jacket pocket, making sure they didn't jingle. I reversed my grip on them, so that the big one - the car key - was protruding from the bottom of my fist like a stiff, silver tail.

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Batman: 05 Pretty Poison

Batman is a DC Comics character, and Batman: The Animated Series is owned by Warner Home Video. If you'd like to purchase this episode, you may do so here; if you'd like to buy the DVD box set, you may do so here. The story is by Paul Dini and Michael Reaves; the teleplay is by Tom Ruegger; and the episode was directed by Boyd Kirkland.

The title tune is a subdued version of the bombastic scores of yesteryear, with an added melancholy undertone; if the little Universal studios plane was in evidence above the single rose bloom, it would likely crash.

We open on a groundbreaking ceremony in the past, as indicated by the sepia tone; it's either that, or they left the cels on the dashboard one sunny afternoon. Gotham's getting a new prison, thanks to Bruce Wayne's money and Harvey Dent's dream.

A mysterious gardener carefully transplants a rose, then watches the proceedings from a hilltop. 

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Valentine's Day

The voice on the other end had that buzz recorded messages invariably acquired, even with smartphones and iPhones and 4G networks humming mankind's words along like the messengers of the gods.

"John, it's Sarah." Pause. "How are you? I hope well. I was reading the funniest thing the other day and I thought of you! It's been what, since last summer? No, it was your graduation! Time really flies. Hard to believe I'm getting married in 30 days!" The way she said it he could see the number - three-oh, not thirty. "It's fun...and a little overwhelming. But mostly fun. Just wanted to drop a line."

The message ended there. No goodbye, no coda, no thanks, but no thanks; she was just "dropping a line".

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February's Robot

Another month, another 13th, another robot! (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out the introduction.) This month's mechano-paper organism goes by the calendar name "Heartbreaker", which is ridiculously overwrought. Instead, I will call him Crobert.

Behold, Crobert - February's robot!

February's robot did not feel swell
He was trapped in his metal shell

His boxy head was full of dread
Dots of green above a metal tread

One day there was something new
A warm glow, through and through

The shock gave him quite a start
For in his chest, he had found a heart!

Batman: 04 The Last Laugh

Batman is a DC Comics character, and Batman: The Animated Series is owned by Warner Home Video. If you'd like to purchase this episode, you may do so here; if you'd like to buy the DVD box set, you may do so here. This episode was written by Carl Swenson and directed by Kevin Altieri.

Nosferatu by way of Bozo gives the viewer a buck toothed and off center grin, the eyes reminiscent of those found in Goya's Saturn Devouring His Son; the tune is an upbeat violin number with street swagger to spare.

A truck labeled the Gotham Globe drops off the Gotham News, bringing the total number of papers to four and confusing supply lines. A shot that lingers too long on a utility knife wants us to know April Fool's day has come to Gotham. 

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LinkedIn

I started a LinkedIn profile and then totally ignored it, which probably wasn't the best move. However, it means I occasionally get unintentionally hilarious emails that look like this:

"Alexis Lastname has indicated you are a Friend"

Where friend is capitalized, like they're a future assassin robot and that's a category they place people in so they don't shove a blender through their faces at inopportune moments.

or

"WHY MIGHT CONNECTING WITH ALEXIS LASTNAME BE A GOOD IDEA?"

Which sounds like how a robot that can't control the volume of its voice but is trying to be polite would suggest two people go on a date.

and

"After accepting Alexis Lastname's invitation, check Alexis Lastname's connections to see who else you may know and who you might want an introduction to."

What's missing is obviously a link to a FAQ with entries like, "How might other humans be used to my advantage?" and "How quickly can I discard someone to get to someone more important?"

All in all, invitations from LinkedIn sound like the kid in the back of class who learned to interact with other humans based on a book that paired faces with what emotion they were expressing, or one that explicitly explained social scripting.

if Facebook is Zach Morris, LinkedIn is Dexter Morgan

So if I don't become your friend on LinkedIn, I ain't mad at cha. I just thought I was going to be a Professional! [tm] and then lost interest, most likely because of something shiny.

Anterior

He lashed out at the wall with his foot, a sudden, savage motion. In response, there was only a dull thud from the box he was trapped in. He did the same with his other foot, but the only change was soreness in his toes. He leaned back on his coccyx and pounded the featureless square in from of him with both heels, grunts escaping his throat. Insensate with rage, he threw more futile kicks at the obdurate wall. Nothing.

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Chronicle!

If you haven't seen the full trailer for Chronicle, it's probably for the best. If you do watch it, disregard the way it portrays the characters. The trailer is cut like a typical high school movie, probably to appeal to typical high school students. As such, it looks like you'll have to spend the prerequisite "fifteen minutes with jerks" you usually do with these kinds of movies. Thankfully, you don't. 

We've all seen enough recut trailers that turn Jaws into a buddy comedy or Mary Poppins into a horror movie to know they're a pretty poor judge of what a movie is actually like. Honestly, the most effective trailer is the 15 second one Hulu plays as a commercial. 

Chronicle is about three teenagers who get superpowers, and what happens next. It's the best take I've seen on superpowers in real life, and an amazing story with three dimensional characters. It has great economy of storytelling - there are no wasted scenes and no wasted dialogue; in fact, the movie is only an hour and a half. 

All the same, I can't get it out of my head. I have now spent an amount of time talking, thinking, and writing about the movie equivocal to, and even exceeding, what I did in the theater. 

A lot of people are calling it an American Akira. While I think the comparison is well drawn - and the director/write admits Akira was a huge influence - I think Chronicle surpasses Akira in the area of character development. Tetsuo and Kaneda never felt as real as these guys. I never sympathized with them the way I do with Matt and Steve and Andrew. 

This is possibly because I'm an American. Then again, Chronicle just makes more sense to me, because I still don't know what happened at the end of Akira, or even in some of the middle bits.

At any rate, I recommend everyone should go and see the movie. I highly doubt you will be disappointed. It's not your typical superhero movie; it's not your typical high school, found footage, or even sci-fi movie. It's got tight pacing, real emotional weight, and presence. 

Seriously, that is just how superpowers would work in real life. In that sense, it's almost like a waking dream, and in some places, a nightmare. 

Go!

Batman: 03 Nothing to Fear

Batman is a DC Comics character, and Batman: The Animated Series is owned by Warner Home Video. If you'd like to purchase this episode, you may do so here; if you'd like to buy the DVD box set, you may do so here. This episode was written by Henry T. Gilroy and Sean Catherine Derek, and directed by Boyd Kirkland.

The ghostly shadow of a scarecrow is projected onto a whiskey colored backdrop, its smile equal parts mocking and conniving. The instrumental evokes images of the thing's too thin fingers creeping slowly along a wall.

A helicopter flies through Gotham at twilight, carrying a mysterious figure and a man with a Tommy gun. (I think they hand those out at Gotham city limits.) There's an event to save the university, which has been beset by robberies and vandalism. In other words, it's your usual college campus.

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