Friday, June 17, 2011

Goofus and Gallant

Gallant helps the old woman across the street.
Goofus calls her a race traitor for buying brown rice.

Gallant waters his neighbor's plants while they're out of town.
Goofus takes a dump in their laundry hamper.

Gallant reads to the kids at the School for the Blind.
Goofus hands out Rubik's cubes at the School for the Blind.

Gallant makes his own environmentally safe cleaning products.
Goofus uses endangered species to clean porous and non-porous surfaces.

Gallant joined the Boy Scouts.
Goofus practices building punji pits.

Gallant eats lots of fruits and vegetables each day.
Goofus ate a whole man once. Dentures, too.

Gallant volunteers at his local animal shelter.
Goofus thinks enough bottle rockets make a dog an astronaut.

Gallant cleans his room without his mother having to ask twice.
Goofus saw his mother cheat on his father with the mailman.

Gallant always recycles his empty soda bottles.
Goofus builds replicas of historical disasters in empty soda bottles.

Gallant is learning another language to expand his horizons.
Goofus has a repository of ethnic slurs second to none.

Gallant does all his math homework, even the sample problems.
Goofus found a way to get high using aloe vera and lighter fluid.

Gallant learns responsibility by paying for his own cell phone.
Goofus knows his cartoon is stuck in the 1950's.

Gallant helps his community by picking up litter.
Goofus started a porn site called "Naughty Clutter Girls".

Gallant saves all his change in a piggybank.
Goofus is an assumed name for a drug lord with a large slush fund.

Gallant sticks up for children that can't defend themselves.
Goofus knows that we live in an arbitrary void in which all human actions are ultimately meaningless and our destiny is to die ignorant and alone.

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