Monday, February 28, 2011

Watch Instantly

I started to log in to Netflix to add some documentaries about inedia to my instant queue - which tells you all you need to know about my rich and varied social life - and I was instantly stopped by the bizarre spectacle that greeted me.

Take a look at the following picture and tell me what's wrong:

If you answered, "They're black", you fail everything, forever.

Most people don't see anything wrong with this picture; they happily click past it, untroubled by what halted me completely; these are the same people troubled by neck pain and eye strain from trying to watch TV in their peripheral vision.

Seriously, look at that picture! How the hell is either one of them supposed to comfortably see what's on the TV? Have you ever sat down with your sweetie, lights down low, a bowl of popcorn warm and salted in your laps, all to watch a TV located to your immediate left?

Here is what their living room looks like, as shown in the...preview? Voyeur candid? Why does Netflix have an image like this next to the login boxes? Is it a serving suggestion?

Okay, that's what we've got going on here. I would have arranged my living room a little bit more like this:

But hey! to each their own. Maybe their house or apartment is really small, and that's the best they could do?

Maybe they've settled down for a romantic evening of watching something else, and Netflix is just for background noise?

Bum fighting is sooooo 2008.

All hail his pyrogenous name!

"Let us show you the pleasures of the flesh."

Who could watch Eat, Pray, Love with a Berkshire Big Boy in front of them?

Maybe they were sitting down for an evening of viewing their Nega-selves in the esrevinu rrorim?

Perhaps they were celebrating their recent victory over the Japanese mob, and grew careless?

These things happen:

It's possible I'm underestimating their means, and they're enjoying their opulence:

Maybe they fucking love ottomans, and they've finally got the perfect number to keep the bad thoughts away:

The only other possible option I can imagine - and this one is really out there - is that they had company over and took the bitch seat with the bad viewing angle so their visitors didn't have to.

Nah, too implausible. My money is on the train.

And yes, I forgot to add the movies about not eating to my queue.


  1. This is AMAZING.

    I ascribe to the many-ottoman theory. Or possibly the many-tv theory.

  2. Actually what caught my attention first is that netflix in this picture is streaming instantly forever, always telling you it's streaming instantly without ever actually moving on to displaying video content. Then I noticed that the couch was not pointed to the tv, they appear way too happy to be enjoying a tv they can't even loot at. Which tells me that you must be correct, another event is taking place in the room. It's a roaring fire and they are stimulated by conversation. I think the tv is not actually in the room itself, but photoshopped in. Odd though, examining the ottoman, it actually appears to be the carpet further on as the baseboard from the wall meets it.

  3. I did miss the option where the TV is an angry but distant god, one who can only manifest in a cheap avatar like a TV with perpetually streaming Netflix.

    That would explain why it looks photoshopped - it's a theophany. A sad one.

  4. Speaking of the Lament time we're together I shall bring you a new book...and tell you all about my latest gaming craze - imagine Lemarchand's puzzle if the puzzle was a city straddling 7 epochs!!!! Dun-dun-dun!!!!

  5. OMG! This is my new favorite story. I just laughed out loud loudly reading this at work (which I'm not supposed to do) and my boss came in my office asking what was so funny. I had to make up something about how people that have no legs also have to have no arms or eyes to get disability and the "Man" is systematically trying to destroy what little hope these people have left of obtaining true happiness with the $940.16 check the government will send them each month because they cannot work…

  6. Lee - is that a reference to Sigil, the City of Doors?

    Jessica - Thank you! You keep denying those torsos what you've got to.

  7. She covered up her non-work browsing by making up a story about how she was laughing at disabled people. Awesome.

    Keep turning those people down, honey!